This week with all the changes, I have been brought back to the heart of my savior. I have returned again to questions that I haven't asked in a longtime. Especially the "Why God?" question. I have again had such a realization that the systems in this world, our way of doing things, our governments, our plans... are always failing. And will always fail us. And it pushed my towards my God even more, to confess that "Yes God. In the past year I have drifted from you, from trusting you to trusting institutions, other people, and even leaning on my own strength and wisdom." (Which with all the mistakes I have made in the past from relying on myself, I can never figure out how I keep making that mistake.) Even as my amazing husband has been discovering an amazing relationship with God, I have been lax in my relationship with the Most High. It is humbling me to write this, about me, my failures, and my faith. It has always been hard to speak openly about my faith. I have led campers, been an evening speaker, and taught classes on my faith and experiences, but always within a safe environment of camp or church. Never to a host of people and friends who do not know my God, or the way I feel about God. That doesn't make me a strong Christian - knowing that some of the people I hang out with the most don't know that I am a follower of the Most High God. A lot of people know my political and moral views, but not my faith.
I think last night spurred me into writing all this on my blog... I had a dream last night about a man, and it wasn't my husband. And I couldn't believe it! Never ever have I dreamed about loving someone other than my husband. And the dream wasn't awful, I was just hanging out and going places and evidently being in love with someone else. I was appauled that anything like that could enter my mind, even in my sleep. I couldn't shake the dream even when I woke up, and it is still with me now. And that dream made me realize, I have to refocus myself. I have to look again to my Lord, to guide me and to again become My Magnificent Obsession. "Magnificent Obsession" is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I have been listening to it alot today. For my mind, even in sleep, to think of being in love with someone other than Nick, really scares me. It makes me think I am treading on dangerous ground. Especially since my husband has become such an amazing Christian, and is and has always been extemely loving and devoted to me, much more than I deserve. Dreaming that dream shakes me to my core...
So I leave you with this: a song that really defines where I am by Casting Crowns "Somewhere in the Middle"
So I have posted some of the lyrics to that song:
"Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me.
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, wreckless abandon wrapped in common sense,
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences: the God we want and the God who is,
But will we trade our dreams for His, or are we caught in the middle?
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me."
So that's my confession today... I am a Christian, just a weak one...
Does this change the kind of person or who I am in your eyes??
I am looking forward to your comments.