Friday, October 29, 2010

The REAL "What to Expect..." Story

So, you have kids. You read the books. They tell you to expect pain in labor. To take your vitamins, so your baby is born healthy... and all that good stuff. But somewhere along the line of childrearing, you start to say to yourself: "Well, they didn't tell me about this!" And you start to say that to yourself more and more often. So I'm going to just fill in some of the empty blank spots that they miss. *Note, just SOME of the stuff. I can't really write a whole book ya know!

They don't tell you:

That you'll scrape things like smushed snicker's bars, and gum off your kitchen floor. Items that you didn't buy, nor give to your children.

That that your children will say things that you have never said. I mean, we all have had embarrassing moments when our children repeat something we've said, and we just want to crawl in a hole. But what happens, when your child blurts out: "You come in here or I'll get a knife and cut your head off!" You don't watch violent movies, much less does your child. Yet here you are, and there he said... and you just gotta wonder...

They don't tell you that your laundry will triple. I advise keeping the laundry in a well lit place, as I feel it tends to breed when left alone in dark places.

And as much as the financial geniouses preach budgeting, it's impossible when one week your child eats like a pigeon, and the next week you are sure you are feeding a t-rex. It's just impossible to budget for groceries, let alone anything else!

Did they mention the house fund you should start? Forget college folks. They should be paying you by then! The house fund is important -you know, for when they are wrestling and knock each other into the china cabinet, and every glass pane on it shatters. Or when they sneak the baseball inside and it goes right into the front of your tv screen. Juice box into the dvd player. Your coffee upended on your white sofa. Your laptop permanently damaged from baby bum cream smeared between the keys and into the speaker, and dvd burner. The permanent marker on your wallpaper.

Or how about a page of "handy tips" like: when shopping for a new kitchen table and chairs, DO NOT purchase chairs with fabric seats! Don't do it! Nice solid bottoms, that can be wiped off.

Maybe they don't say everything, 'cause if they did. No one would have children. I mean, holy guacamole! have you had to deal with a 9 year old? Let me give you an example, and be warned, things like this go on in my house every 5 minutes! Me: "Ummm, why aren't your clothes put away. They have been folded and sitting there for 3 days. I've asked you 10 times." The response from the 9 year old: "Oh, I didn't know you were serious." You see, because they don't think you are serious unless you are yelling right at them, your face is all red, your blood pressure is wayyyy too high, and you are on the verge of tears. Then, and only then, might they take you seriously. That doesn't however, mean that they will actually do what you want! But they will believe you are serious!

However, when your three year old comes up to you unexpectedly, plants a kiss on your cheek and says: "You want to go on a date with me? It's my favorite thing ever going on a date with you!" You think that you just may have 6 more just like him!

No comments:

Post a Comment